I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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