dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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