If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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