I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
