I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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