So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
