On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
