I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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