i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
