My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
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