Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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