i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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