Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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