Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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