It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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