I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
