Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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