Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just cropdusted the office
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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