Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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