the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
