Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
