She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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