so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Randomize
