Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
