my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
