He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
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No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
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Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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