I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
