I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
