I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
