I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
