I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Randomize
