Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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