I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
