yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I AM VODKA MAN
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
