Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Welp...herpes.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
