I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
