you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
