Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
