i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
