Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
