My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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