Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
