I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
