I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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