Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
