the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
