i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
