I swear she didn't look like that last week.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
