Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
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