apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
