just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
