dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
