I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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