When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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