Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
