Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
