someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Randomize
