my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
