I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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